What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 02:07
I couldn’t, believe it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
All the time i was locked up.
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So whats the point in blame.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im still living with it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She wouldn,t have been !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
(And it was in our own minds.)
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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Why did i forgive my father ?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Comes on , in middle age.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One cannot live in the past .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And i lived it daily.
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I will be 64.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We were not on the streets..
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I write beautiful poetry .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Who then, do I blame.?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I said to her
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it wasn’t much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
When she asked me how she looked .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It was going to be , some day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was scared of men, in general
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She loved him until the end.
Ive learnt so much.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I could never make a relationship work though!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Would this be the day?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So, i spoilt her more .
Especially a lifetime of it.
She married twice! .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We all went to grammer schools
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My family never makes their pension either.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
This is soul school!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I have no regrets .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He knew the spot.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
What did i know ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was very sick at this time too.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But, we were locked up after school.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She was in good health!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She found it foreign!.
I waited trembling.
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was seconnd youngest,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My life is so biszare .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!